1 Early in the morning when the Sabbath day was past, Mary the Magdalene, and Mary the mother of James, and Salome, and Joanna, and a few other people with vaginas, came unto the sepulchre to play with Jesus and rub wonderful spices all over his dead naked body.
2 And they were arguing among themselves about who would be allowed to go first.
3 And Mary the Magdalene said, Behold, I am the most accomplished harlot of us all: it is fitting that I be allowed to go first.
4 But the others grumbled among themselves and plotted against Mary the Magdalene as they pranced lustfully unto the sepulchre.
5 And as they turned a corner in the road, Salome took up her Galil MAR, attached the optional silencer, switched the fire selector to automatic, and squirted all 35 rounds through Mary the Magdalene’s back in less than three seconds.
6 And Salome said, Suck my balls, Maggie-pie. And the women left Mary the Magdalene’s body in a ditch and went on their way.
7 When the women came unto the sepulchre, behold, the Roman guards were dead, and the stone was rolled away, and a handsome young man clothed in white was seated thereupon, and they were affrighted.
8 And he spake unto them, Be ye not affrighted: Jesus, whom ye seek, is not here: he is risen, and now pisseth against yonder shrubbery, for he was dead three days, and really had to fucking go.
9 And Mary the mother of James rushed unto him, and bowed low, and asked, Art thou an angel? And he said, I am.
10 And Mary said, Behold, we have come unto the sepulchre to play with Jesus and rub wonderful spices all over his dead naked body, but if he truly be risen, we are ready to play with his living flesh, and also with yours if you lust after the daughters of men.
11 And the angel spake unto them and said, Oh ye depraved and wicked women! Ye shall be cast into the darkness, where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth.
12 But even as the angel was still speaking, behold, a bolt of lightning flashed from the shrubbery where Jesus was pissing and consumed the angel.
13 And Jesus, having fully relieved himself, walked over to the women, and spake unto them, and said: Behold, I am indeed risen, and now I have provided the angel’s dead body to take my place: go, and strip it naked, and play with it, and rub wonderful spices all over it.
14 But the women bowed low before him and worshiped, and said: Master, we have come to play with thee only, be thou dead or be thou alive.
15 And Jesus said unto them: Show me thy titties.
16 And all the women showed him their titties, and they did rub wonderful spices on his living body, and they did fornicate together with him until noon. And because it was Easter, a cute little bunny rabbit fornicated with them also, and his genitals were like those of a horse, and his emission was like that of a donkey.
17 And having become tired from all their play, Jesus and the women rested in the shade. And Jesus spake unto them, saying: Where is Mary the Magdalene? Has she taken ill and stayed at home?
18 And they told him the story of her selfish whoring behavior. And Jesus said, Ye have done well, my good and faithful servants. Now let us enter Jerusalem and find the disciples.
19 But suddenly there appeared John, the one Jesus loved, and he was breathing heavily, because he had run the whole way.
20 And John spake and said unto them: Verily, I am a much faster runner than that fat bastard Peter. And John greeted Jesus, and said unto him: I have brought the dildos. And Jesus said: Thou hast come too late; save them for the next time.
21 And immediately Peter arrived, panting for air and carrying a large bundle upon his head. And he said unto Jesus, I have brought the bondage kits. And Jesus said: Thou hast also come too late.
22 And the women were surprised, and they said unto each other: Could John and Peter have known that Jesus would rise again?
23 And hearing their speech, Peter rebuked them, saying: Ye stupid bitches, he only predicted his resurrection like five or six times, and were ye not listening?
24 But Jesus turned to Peter and said, Peter, have patience, for although they are silly women, they are still devoted unto me and have very nice titties. Now let us hasten unto the city, for there we shall find a large stockpile of weapons and munitions with which we shall rain down fire and destruction upon those who nailed me to a cross. I mean, seriously, what kind of sick fucks would nail someone to a cross?
25 And John took up his dildos, and Peter took up his bondage kits, and Jesus and the women girded their loins, because they were naked. And they all set out together for Jerusalem.
26 And they passed Mary the Magdalene’s body, and Jesus spake unto them, saying: Behold, it is the body of that selfish whoring bitch. Let us eat of her flesh and drink of her blood.
27 And so they stopped, and built a fire, and roasted Mary the Magdalene’s body, and collected her blood in a bowl. And Jesus said, behold, this is some fucking good shit here. And a crowd gathered to listen to Jesus teach.
28 And Peter and John said unto Jesus, What shall we feed these people? For they are hungry, and all we have is the flesh and blood of one dead selfish whoring bitch.
29 And Jesus said, Oh ye of little faith. And he gave thanks, and carved up Mary’s body, and poured out her blood. And all ate, and were satisfied, and their number was about five thousand.
30 And the women gathered up the leftover pieces, and they filled up twelve large baskets. And leaving the leftovers to rot in the ditch, Jesus and the disciples arose and entered Jerusalem.
31 And arriving at Peter’s house, they all went into the basement, and greeted the other disciples.
32 And Thomas said, Rabbi, here are the munitions you requested.
33 And Jesus said, You have done well, good and faithful servant. Now let us arm ourselves, and proceed to the temple, and wreak some goddamn motherfucking havoc.
34 But Joanna and Mary the mother of James looked carefully at all the weapons, and spake unto Jesus, saying: Behold, we have carefully examined the stockpile of weapons and munitions, and we have not found any chainsaws.
35 And Jesus said unto them: Oh ye foolish women! Chainsaws only work as weapons in lousy horror movies. And he gave Uzis unto them instead.
36 And they left Peter’s house and immediately came unto the temple.
37 And Bartholemew ran over all the scribes and Pharisees with his Merkava Mark IV tank.
38 But Jesus had fashioned special grenades that looked like Easter eggs, and he used deceit to gather all the little children unto himself, and gave each of them a colorful egg grenade, and after they had run home he detonated them, and the streets ran red with the blood of innocent children.
39 And on that day about two million Israelites died, some by the Galil, and some by the Uzi, and some by the Mark IV. But more died by the Easter egg grenade than by all the other weapons combined.
40 And Jesus gathered all of his disciples together, and the women, and they all played together until the sun went down. And Jesus said, It is time for me to return unto my Father in heaven, for my balls are very sore.
41 And he spake unto them all, and he said: Take thy weapons, and go into all the world, and kill everyone.
42 And having opened their minds unto the secret of the Easter egg grenade, Jesus ascended into heaven and placed his balls in the right hand of God.
43 And the disciples remained in the ruins of the temple, praising God, and worshiping, and carousing with that cute little bunny rabbit from verse 16.
