ACTUALLY, I'M NOT GAY.

Recent life experiences have made it teabaggingly obvious to me that before I kick off my evil plan to inundate the Internets with a barrage of worthless and irrelevant content, I should really take the time to clarify my sexuality. This is an important topic. I can’t stress it enough. Listen carefully for a little while, and then later we can move on to more interesting things.

Simply put,
I am not gay.

Fancily put,
I – AM – NOT – GAY – AT – ALL.

Forcefully and spitefully put,
**I FUCKING swear I am not gay!!! so nice gay person STOP hitting on me NOW!!! thanks!!!**

It’s true, I got hit on by another gay dude recently – yes, ANOTHER one – so now I need to tell a story. I have to explain that I am not gay. I don’t understand – do I look gay? Do I act gay? What is it about me that makes me attractive to other guys? And is there any way I can transform that fault into a superawesome Power Charm that I can use to catch hot girls?

Let’s move on. Allow me to point out to all my avid readers that

1) I have never been gay before
2) I am not currently gay
3) I will never be gay ever ever ever in the future unless you are willing to pay $50 cash and meet me in the alley next to my apartment at 11pm tomorrow night, because this economy really sucks balls and I could use the money.

There’s nothing wrong with guys having dicksuck lust, of course. People are free to get off however they want, as long as they aren’t breaking any laws in the process. But my personal sexual preference does not involve dicksuck lust. You need to know this. It should be immediately obvious. For example, look at the following pictures of two world-renowned dicksuckers. Please note that these are official photographs and have in no way been altered or modified:

Exhibit A – Fred Dicksuck Phelps.

Exhibit B – Glenn Dicksuck Beck.

Look at those twinks. They are so totally gay. In contrast, look at this picture:

Exhibit C – Me, totally not gay at all.

You see the difference. Yes. It is the kind, innocent expression on my face. Just look at that calm, relaxing gaze and then compare it to the wild animal desire in the eyes of butt pirates like Phelps and Beck – all they care about is your poopy place! All they want to do is have crazy sex with your rectum, nothing else.

Anyways, back to my story. The creepy bald guy who got jolly with me at my gay friend’s birthday party the other night should have been able to tell – just by looking at me – that all I fucking wanted was some more chips and salsa from the buffet (besides, the pubic hairs hanging from the side of my mouth at the time were obviously hetero pubic hairs)… But no. Instead, this random dude who knows he’s never met me in his entire fabulous life suddenly bumps into me and says “Hey, have we met before?”

Dude all I wanted was more chips and salsa. That’s just not the right time to proposition me unless you have lots of cash. We had never met before and you knew it. Why not just be up front with the whole thing and say “Hi, let’s go play with each other’s penises.” Then I could have just said, “Sorry, I only play with my own penis unless you’re willing to pay my rent” and we could have avoided that long awkward conversation.

Okay look. Do you really want to pick up guys who are obviously not gay (ME) and take them home for a little suckfucking? Do you have a homo boner for an obviously straight guy (LIKE ME) who just wants to get more chips and salsa and doesn’t care to know how big you are? Are You Aching To Put Your Penis In A Straight Guy’s (MINE, FOR INSTANCE) Poo Hole?

Well then. A word or two of advice for all you gay mans: just give up right now. It will never ever happen but if you’re really desperate then $50 is a good start. $100 is better. $200 and we might even have a second date.

I am not gay. Don’t get any ideas.